Carry That Weight
by jessicarocket
Summary: Jessie and James are as close as can be, yet there are still walls between them that neither has had the courage to tear down... until now.


Hello again!

This fic was a challenging one for me, and one that kind of drained me. There's quite a bit of emotional hurt in here, but also comfort and a happy ending!

MANY thanks to madiyasha, velvetviolence, and comtesse-dynamite for giving me inspiration, advice, and direction when I was stumped. I get by with a little help from my friends (can ya'll tell I'm a Beatles fan?).

This fic is an epilogue to "Noodles! Roamin' Off!" and contains references to "Holy Matrimony!" and "The Heartbreak of Brock"

* * *

 _Boy, you're gonna carry that weight_

 _Carry that weight a long time_

* * *

There was that familiar but awful feeling again. The trio found their bodies flung carelessly through the air in the wake of yet another unceremonious blast-off.

"I thought if I caught the oddly-colored Metagross and gave it to the boss we'd all get rich and you two would hightail it on back," James sobbed, eyes squeezed shut and hands in a prayer-like gesture begging for the forgiveness of his teammates. He knew this was all his fault. How could he have been so foolish? Though he was desperate to get his dearest friends back, the last thing he ever wanted was to put them in harm's way. The thought that he had nearly been the reason for their demise made him stick to his stomach.

James was surprised to hear Jessie's cheery reply. "Well, we didn't exactly hightail it back, but we're back now and Pikachu's waiting!"

Meowth quickly chimed in, equally cheerful. "As long as we're a team, we still got the dream!"

When James opened his eyes, he was greeted by loving smiles from both of his companions. He felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude wash over him knowing that not only had they forgiven his foolish behavior, but they seemed genuinely happy to be by his side again. His gratitude was only heightened when he recalled Jessie declaring earlier in the day that if their lives were to end, she wanted to reunite with him in the afterlife.

The team's joyful celebration was brought to a hasty close as they felt themselves quickly descending back toward earth before hitting the ground with dizzying force. Fortunately, they were quite accustomed to this type of impact and their bodies could adapt quickly. After just a few dazed moments, the trio scanned themselves carefully for any serious injuries. Finding nothing more than a few minor scrapes, the trio set their sights on locating their tattered balloon and setting up camp. Nightfall was quickly approaching and heavy fatigue was setting in.

Fortunately, the search for the balloon didn't take long and a quick inventory of their supplies revealed that they hadn't lost anything this time. The trio quickly located a suitable spot to crash within a small, secluded clearing in the thick of the woods, and James immediately set to work on the campfire and dinner preparations while Jessie and Meowth unpacked their bedrolls. Their meals had been especially meager as of late, but thankfully Meowth had the foresight to snatch some ramen before bolting from the restaurant to find his friends.

James idly stirred the pot of noodles, his mind fried after such a physically and emotionally demanding day. Without any known provocation, a memory popped into his head and made him wince.

"James, you should give this some thought. You do come from a filthy rich family. And what about that fiancé in waiting?" The words had rolled so smoothly off Jessie's tongue, and though her tone held no hint of maliciousness, they still felt like poison daggers piercing his soul. James gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, focusing every fiber of his being on pushing the memory out of his mind.

He was then jolted by the feeling of a paw gently resting on his shoulder as Meowth's voice softly asked, "Hey Jimmy, you ok?"

James opened his eyes to see the cat pokemon standing on his right side, watching his face with concern. James blinked a few times and turned slightly to his left, where he caught sight of Jessie peering at him with a furrowed expression. James snapped his head back to the pot of noodles, forcing a sheepish smile while awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

"Y-yeah! I'm fine!" He blurted with a strained laugh.

"You sure? Ya zoned out on us for a minute there and looked like you was in pain."

Still wearing a forced smile, James replied "I'm sorry. I didn't intend to worry you two. I promise I'm fine! Just exhausted, that's all." It was then that James noticed the ladle was floating in the pot, tangled in a web of noodles. He must have dropped it without realizing. He quickly threw his hand into the pot, grabbing the ladle and yelping when the simmering water scorched his skin.

"Ya don't seem fine to me," Meowth grumbled, eying James suspiciously.

When James glanced back at Jessie from the corner of his eye, he caught a worried expression that made his heart ache. The last thing he wanted was to cause her any additional pain that day. So, he took a deep breath, sat up straight, and made his best attempt at a sincere smile. He had to keep the pain to himself. Unloading his baggage on either of his teammates would only make things worse. These demons were his and his alone.

With as much enthusiasm as he could muster, James declared, "Nothing a hearty dinner and a good night's rest won't fix!"

Jessie and Meowth exchanged skeptical looks, but ultimately shrugged and joined their companion around the fire, filling their bowls before eagerly filling their stomachs. A comfortable silence fell over the group, which wasn't particularly unusual. What was unusual was the fact that James was barely picking at his food. Jessie knew this was one of his favorite meals, and after several days of meager rations he should have been gulping his food down as ravenously as she and Meowth were. Jessie knew her partner well enough to know when something was weighing on him, but she also knew him well enough to know he wasn't going to open up to her about it freely.

This man had been a part of Jessie's life so long, she sometimes forgot there had ever been any periods without him. Still, despite a level of closeness that can only come from spending years in close quarters, sharing beds and bathing with another person, there were barriers Jessie never dared to cross with her best friend. The biggest being the darker moments of her childhood, partly because talking about things like the loss of her mother and the years spent bouncing from one wretched foster home to another would only confirm that her trauma was real and not just a bad dream. Jessie had long ago decided that painful experiences were best ignored because strong women put the past in the past and left it there. Besides, she was well aware of James' lavish and privileged upbringing, so there was no way he could ever understand or relate to her hardships. As far as she could tell, her partner had been blessed with an ideal childhood, filled with the comforts that come with a family and endless riches.

Staring into her now empty bowl, Jessie sighed as she quietly wondered why James had intentionally left those things behind. It was such a bizarre, foreign notion to her. She knew he was a smart man, so why on earth had he made such a ridiculous decision?

Jessie's thoughts were disrupted by James slowly standing up and setting his bowl aside as he weakly uttered, "I'm going to bed. I'll clean the dishes in the morning."

Meowth loudly slurped down the last bit of contents in his bowl before replying, with his mouth still full, "Kay! G'night, Jimmy!"

Jessie and Meowth remained by the fire for a few minutes longer, quietly watching the embers crackle and dance, a lovely contrast against the dusk that had fallen around them. When they heard James' rustling cease and his breathing deepen, their eyes met and both were greeted with the same expression, and mixture of confusion and concern.

Meowth broke the silence first. "Do ya t'ink he's still mad at us?"

Jessie sighed and shrugged, glancing back at the bottom of her empty bowl. "Maybe. But he really shouldn't be. I mean, I know he wound up in a bad situation today, but that was his own decision and we're all back together now. That's all that matters."

Meowth's silence unnerved Jessie, causing her to snap her head back toward him and sharply add "Right?"

Meowth held his paw up defensively, cowering slightly and spitting out a, "Right!"

If only Jessie believed it herself.

* * *

 _A sense of safety and security rushed over James. He had managed to escape from hell again, alive and free. When he peered down from his position in the sky and spotted her, a feeling of warmth filled his veins. His best friend. The woman he loved. His home. He called out to her, trying to keep his voice steady despite being dangerously close to joyful tears. The way she smiled at him took his breath away, and the way she said his name was more beautiful than any song he has ever heard. Swooping down to lift her in the basket, his pulse accelerated as their hands touched. Then she giggled in a joyful, girlish way he had never heard before and he couldn't remember any sound that had ever made him happier. The amber sky surrounded her and somehow made her blue eyes shine even brighter than usual. As she began to speak, her voice became muffled and everything around him grew hazy. 'What's happening?' he wondered. Something didn't feel right, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it._

 _Then a familiar set of words left her mouth, as clear as a bell. "And what about that fiancé in waiting?"_

 _When his eyes locked on hers, the face he so deeply adored went blurry for a moment before transforming into that of his worst nightmare._

 _No. No. No. No. NO._

 _His blood ran cold as his ears were assaulted by a voice he had tried so hard to forget. "I knew one day you'd come back to me."_

 _Though he was trembling, he responded with as much courage as he could muster. "Where's Jessie? What did you do to her?"_

 _"Now you'll obey... Jessebelle."_

 _He felt as though he was being slowly strangled by those words and the cackling laughter that followed._

* * *

Jessie was ripped from a deep sleep by the sound of thrashing and whimpering by her side. Rubbing her eyes as she tried to lift herself from the sleepy fog, she turned in the direction of the noise and realized it was James. He was close enough for her to see sweat beading on his face and his jaw clenched tightly. His breaths were shallow and rapid and she could hear the unmistakable sound of him grinding his teeth. In between desperate whimpers, he seemed to be mumbling something, but it was all unintelligible. That is, until one word was shouted with clarity.

"Jessebelle!"

Jessie's brow furrowed in confusion. Jessie… belle? What the hell did that mean? Then she remembered: that was his fiance's name. He must have been having a nightmare about her. But why?

As his movements became more desperate and frantic, Jessie scooted closer and wrapped an arm around his waist, hoping her proximity and physical contact would soothe him. James' body finally relaxed for a moment before he sat up with a jolt, pulling Jessie up with him.

Jessie felt his muscles tense and pulse accelerate, and she tightened her hold on him in response. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect of what she had hoped as he seemed to only become more panicked and desperately tried to escape from her arms.

She murmured to him with a soft tenderness she didn't often let others witness. "James, it's me. You're ok. Whatever it was, it was only a dream."

She felt him slump against her as a heavy exhale rushed noisily past his vocal chords. Sobs racked his body as he returned her embrace, burying his face in her neck while she gently rocked him. They remained that way for several minutes before Jessie decided to speak.

"That must have been quite a nightmare, " she whispered, leaning away slightly to get a better view of her partner's face.

James swiped an arm across his tear-stained cheeks and ran a hair through his sweaty, mussed hair. "Yeah," he sighed, still too shaken to elaborate any further.

As another few minutes of silence passed, Jessie rubbed her palm soothingly in circles along James' back as she began to lose herself in thought. ' Why was he dreaming about her tonight, of all nights?' Jessie mused. Suddenly, she felt some of the pieces fall into place as her own words from earlier in the day appeared in her mind.

"And what about that fiancé in waiting?"

A sick feeling settled in the bottom of her stomach at the thought that she may have triggered his nightmare somehow. 'Did something terrible happen to his fiancé in the dream?' she wondered.

Gently stroking his hair, still clumped with sweat, she put on the most soothing tone possible as she dared to inquire about it.

"I can tell it really upset you. Tell me what happened."

James sighed as his chin dropped to his chest, a hint of shame in his voice. "It doesn't matter now." Jessie mirrored his sigh, wishing for once her best friend would be open with her.

"You practically screamed 'Jessebelle' in your sleep. That's your fiancé's name, right?" Jessie felt James shudder as soon as that name left her lips. He nodded but said nothing.

Jessie tilted her head to peer at James' face, attempting to meet his gaze but failing as he turned further away. "Did something bad happen to her?"

Jessie was stunned to hear an uncharacteristically dark laugh come from her companion as he replied wistfully, "If only." She had never heard such a tone from him before and it shook her to her core.

"What the hell does that mean?" Jessie spat, her confusion morphing into irritation.

James chuckled softly and shook his head lightly. "Nothing. I'd rather not speak of her ever again if that's alright with you."

But Jessie couldn't leave it alone. Her partner wasn't making any sense. After all the years she had longed for love and family, she couldn't imagine why James had ever abandoned those things for a life of petty crime. Sure, his fiancé was on the abrasive side, as Jessie had witnessed, but he should have been accustomed to authoritative women by now. And sure, his family may have been a tad manipulative from what she could tell, but the comfort of just having a family at all should make up for that. Jessie longed to know what that kind of comfort felt like.

She dared to finally ask the question that had plagued her mind for so long. "James, why on earth did you leave your family and your fiancé and all of that money behind for... this ?"

James' head jerked up and he finally looked her straight in the eye. His mouth gaped for a moment before he spoke, pain evident in his voice. "You saw it with your own eyes, Jess. You saw the way they treated me. How do you not get it?"

Jessie's jaw clenched and she felt herself going on the defensive. Her natural impulse was to react to uncomfortable or difficult conversations with anger or deflection, tools she used to hide any signs of vulnerability. The more she thought about it, the more she realized James used avoidance tactics of his own to sidestep uncomfortable situations as well. They were as close as could be, yet there were still walls between them. Though she desperately wanted to snap at him and tell him to buck up, Jessie decided to fight her usual impulse and instead embrace the discomfort of being fully open with another person.

Making her best attempt at a deep, calming breath, Jessie chose her words carefully. "You're right. I don't get it. So help me understand."

James' face morphed into an expression Jessie couldn't quite read, and a wave of anxiety made her instantly regret the decision to push forward rather than shutting this conversation down. Wordlessly, James turned his back toward her again and slowly lifted his shirt to reveal a collage of faded lines scarred across the skin of his back. Jessie had noticed these scars before, but James had never uttered a word about them and she chose to follow suit.

After a moment's pause, James spoke so softly Jessie could barely make out his words. "Jessebelle… she's the one who did this."

Jessie gasped, hands flying over her mouth as the remaining pieces clicked into place. When she had watched that woman chase James in circles, wielding a whip and laughing maniacally, Jessie had figured it must have all been for show. She was sure his family had orchestrated a strange but elaborate performance just to scare her and Meowth away. But now, details she had ignored at the time were becoming painfully clear. The way James had become nearly catatonic as soon as they crossed the threshold into the house. The way his entire body trembled as Jessie and Meowth restrained him. The way he screamed in terror the moment he laid eyes on his fiance's face. The way he ran from her as if his life depended on it.

A lump formed in Jessie's throat as she recalled the look on James' face when he was paralyzed by stun spores, staring up at that wicked woman as she loomed over him. Hadn't he weakly stuttered something along the lines of "this is just like last time"? Jessie silently chided herself for not making these connections sooner.

Her thoughts then drifted to another moment, when they were traveling around the Johto region. She recalled James reacting in terror when that strange girl had fallen for him at first sight and immediately dubbed him her fiancé. At the time, Jessie was puzzled by James' over-the-top, dramatic reaction, especially when he literally climbed a tree to escape the girl. Jessie found it bizarre that he was so fearful and reluctant to play along with their foolproof plan when it was all just a façade, like any other scheme they had attempted. But now, every instance of James going into a full-blown panic at the words "fiancé" and "marriage" had context and everything felt different.

When Jessie's thoughts returned to the present, she realized James was still sitting silently with his back to her, resting his head on his knees. Rage bubbled deep inside her at the thought that such a sweet, gentle man had been hurt so badly people who were supposed to love him the most. That was a type of pain she could relate to on a very personal level, as she too had endured mistreatment at the hands of foster families and manipulative boys who only had selfish motives. The thought that her partner had also suffered at the hands of others didn't sit well with her at all. Her rage only continued to escalate, quickly approaching the breaking point. Jessie stood brusquely, fists balled and teeth bared. A piercing scream escaped her, almost animalistic in nature, and a string of curses followed as she picked up any objects in her reach and flung them furiously across their campsite.

James stood with a jolt, startled by Jessie's extreme and sudden shift in mood. Meowth had been awoken by this point, but after carefully assessing the situation decided to put his head back down and pretend to be blissfully unaware. James felt his limbs go heavy as a sense of self-loathing washed over him. He knew his baggage was the reason for Jessie's present anguish, and he hated himself for that.

Claws bared as if she were gearing up to unleash a fury swipes attack, Jessie spat to one in particular, "I'll fucking kill her."

James rushed to her side, desperate to calm the storm he had created. He grabbed her hands firmly in his and with a shaky voice pleaded, "Jessie, I'm so sorry. I never should have unloaded this on you. Please forgive me." He was caught off guard when a pair of arms were thrown roughly around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. Jessie rested her head against his shoulder and emitted sound that resembled a growl but quickly transformed into sobs. James stood stiffly for a moment until his mind could fully catch up with his mercurial partner, then wrapped his arms around her with equal force.

Both remained that way for a few fleeting moments which felt like hours, crying but saying nothing. The silence was finally broken by Jessie, words tumbling out of her before she could fully consider them.

"I do get it, James. I get it because people have hurt me, too."

Jessie felt James' grip on her loosen before he pulled back to look her in the eye, a horrified expression forming across his face. She was certain in that moment that standing naked in front of a crowd of strangers wouldn't make her feel as vulnerable as this sort of openness did. James hugged her tighter again, his thoughts spinning too fast for him to form any coherent words.

Swallowing the feeling of nakedness, Jessie smiled slightly and buried her face in James' neck, murmuring, "We're quite a pair, huh? Two completely broken people, trying to pretend we're not broken at all."

A smile spread across James' face as well, and as he moved to plant a soft kiss on Jessie's forehead, she unknowingly turned at the same moment, causing their lips to collide. Both froze, wearing identical wide-eyed expressions.

As James pulled back and began an apology, Jessie was overpowered with an impulse that she was too tired to fight. Grabbing him by the back of his head, she crushed their lips together again, her anger now replaced with a fiery passion she hadn't experienced before. After a moment, James relaxed into the kiss and slid his hands to her face, gently cupping her cheeks and relishing the feeling of her smooth lips against his as her fingers tangled in his hair. In that moment, their pain was forgotten. All of the guilt, sorrow, and anger was replaced by a soothing warmth neither had experienced before. It was as if, just for a moment, the wounds of their souls had been filled with some sort of magical healing ointment. They didn't dare think too much about this new development, instead opting to let the comfort of their closeness fully consume them.

Meowth peered at his companions quietly through one eye. Though the timing of this romantic shift was a bit jarring, it wasn't altogether surprising as he had expected it to develop at some point. A smile crept across his face as he savored the sense of peace between his companions before drifting back to a tranquil sleep.


End file.
